Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Diaries From The Past

Diaries From The Past

Looking back at a picture of your younger self is always a little bit odd or cringe. Hairstyles change, fashion sense changes, even your body has changed. But when you read your younger self's thoughts it brings back such a weird feeling. You know that you wrote those thoughts whether you remember them or not and you suddenly can make up this image in your head as to what you were actually like back then. Back in my parents house I came across a storage unit filled with different notebooks, stationary and old diaries. It was like seeing an old friend, you recognise them but you cannot remember exactly what they had looked like. My diaries were never the traditional, "write about your day in one page on that exact date". I was more of a scrapbook diary keeper, I would keep things that mattered, things I would want to remember and stick them into my diary, explaining the reason behind it. Other times I would just write about my day if something had happened. But ultimately it gives me such a great experience looking back at the past because there are things to remind myself of particular occasions, like tickets, receipts and photos. I learned an awful lot from reading my old diaries, they are spread between the ages of 15-16 and I thought it would be interesting to tell you what I had learnt about myself from back then.

I Fancied A Lot of Boys.
No joke, nearly every other page I am talking about another guy I had a crush on. Whether it be someone at school (usually sixth formers), a celebrity or even some random boy in my village. I was clearly boy obsessed and oh my would I talk about them. Now this is not talking about my experiences with boys because I was incredibly well behaved *angel face*. I mean I would just suddenly fancy a guy, get all obsessed with him and talk about him non stop. Then suddenly he would annoy me or I would get tired talking about him and suddenly it was someone else in my eye line. My descriptions of boys and the things that I would dwell upon are the funniest to read. I would go on for ages about if a guy had looked at me, had waved at me, or low and behold had actually spoken to me. It was like headline news to me. Now that I am 24 it is hysterical to read because I was so naive and instantly impressed by somebody, whilst nowadays if a guy speaks to me, I'm not suddenly worshipping the ground he walks on or frantically drawing hearts around his name. Ultimately it is extremely cringe worthy, but it is also very funny and due to my detailed descriptions of these boys, I remember each and every one. Little secret I had a massive crush on Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley in Harry Potter) did not remember that at all until I discovered my diary. It was all harmless fun I am hoping any 15 year old girl would have done.

I Went To A Lot of Music Gigs.
The amount of ticket stubs in my diaries are unreal. Music gigs were apparently my social event of each week when I was 15. I'm not talking a big music gig like at a festival, I'm talking those little gigs at village halls or in someone's back garden. Battle of The Bands was all I would ever go and see. A lot of my friends were in different bands from what I remember so that would be the main reason I would attend. I even still have a few CDS they had made back in the day, not going to lie it isn't the best music I have heard in my life, but it is a memory that I can keepsake. The funny thing was at that time in my life I was slowly becoming more diverse with my music taste. It had been a long time since the Spice Girls and obviously as you grow up your parents allow you to start listening to other music. I still remember that proud moment I felt when I had my first CD with the parental advisory sticker on the front, I thought I was bad ass. But these music events were my way of meeting new people, making friends, having a laugh, and going back to my first point, fancying boys in the bands.

I Hated School.
Yep I said it, I clearly hated school back then. Thinking about it now and my overall experience I really did dislike school and to be honest it is hard to pinpoint why. In my diaries I would complain about teachers, school rules, disruptive people in class and exams. After all most pupils suffer at school and hate it at some stage of there life. The thing is and it was clear back then I cannot tell you why I hated school, there was an awful lot I disliked, but I am also incredibly grateful for the experience it gave me. It was a massive life lesson, it gave me friends, qualifications, life experience and a leavers prom. I did actually love parts of school, but only the parts when I felt the most comfortable. I think it is something like I said before I cannot pinpoint why I did not like it, I just do not think school was for me or maybe it was the school I went to. It made me feel like an average individual, maybe the school uniform made me feel trapped, I really just do not know. I wanted to do well, school is essential to get qualifications but my heart was never in it, (I did get my qualifications by the way). But I just remember at the age of 18, finally finishing school and breathing a massive sigh of relief thinking I'm Free.

I Partied A Lot.
16 was the age that I had the most invites to parties and social events. From camping to sleeping on a beach, I apparently did it all. I have never been that person that could ever put myself into a stereotypical group at school. I was not really clever, a popular kid, a sportsman, an emo, or any other social stereotypes you get at school. I was just me, this sort of average girl who would get on with it and be friendly to people. Maybe you might think I was a floater, someone who would go from group to group, but I really wasn't. I had my close friends and I just enjoyed different peoples company, it would not bother me if they had bright blue hair or spent their lunchtime in the library. I genuinely would enjoy speaking to different people and knowing more about them.This meant that I was invited to a lot of different parties over this time period. Due to it being the main GCSE year a lot of it was celebratory parties. Fancy dress, village halls, camping up a mountain, the scene was completely different and I honestly did enjoy myself at most of them. Under age alcohol was present at most of the parties and believe me I was sensible back then, I would quietly sip on a small bottle of Bacardi Breezer all night long, whilst others would be getting plastered. I realised that from what I have written, a lot of the time I felt trapped, social pressures would get on top of me and I would see people genuinely be bullied for not having a drink. I feel slightly sickened by reading those parts because even though I could get away with it (a lot of the time I would pour something onto the ground and pretended I had drunken it) it would not stop me from seeing someone succumb to social pressure. That is something that really should have been dealt with maturely.

I Do Not Mention My Parents That Often.
When reading these diaries it occurred to me that there were very rare times I would actually be writing about my parents. Remember this is only in a time frame of 15-16 but my main focus was about my social life and myself. Talking about me was my main topic. I guess there is nothing wrong with doing that at all, a diary is meant for you to write whatever you want, just like my blog here is. But because I am such a family person, I have such a strong bond with my parents and my ultimate goal in life is to make them proud, it seems shocking to me that I rarely mention them. Of course in the bigger picture they were always there, taking be places being my taxi drivers, being at home for me to talk about my day and listen to my problems, supporting me through school work and making me smile when I had a bad day. This is the only time where I just think I was being selfish with my life and just would never mention my home life. That is what annoys me about my teenage self, my home life was fantastic, I was always happy at home but I just neglect to talk about it that much in these years, mainly because I was so focused on having boyfriends and fitting in. I just wish I had written more memories about them because I was incredibly lucky to have and still have such supportive parents who allowed me to have a social life but made me keep the balance between school work and socialising.

I Was Quite Mature For My Age.
Now after just saying that I would have crushes on boys, party hard and hated school, your probably thinking that does not sound very mature. But I honestly did have very grown up approaches to things. It is fine to be silly and learn from experiences when your young, that is what allows you to be the person you are when your older. Acting your age is always important and I always think I have followed this. What I am trying to say is that I see similar thought processes back then to how I think now, yes I know it is the same person, but we are different stages of myself and we think the same. I had great morals and still do, they haven't changed. Back then I was welcoming, friendly and non judgemental, I still am. When I had a diary entry where I would just be talking in depth about how someone had hurt me or if I felt sad, the 16 year old brain picks myself up the same way as I do now. I know how I can make myself happy, I know what I will put up with in my life and I know what kind of person I want to be. Back then I would hate people bullying each other, I would stand up against it, I would defend a person if I felt they needed defending, I would always listen to people and I would respect people who respected me. Now at 15-16 it is so easy to get caught up with being this sex crazed, breaking boundaries due to social pressure to smoke, drink alcohol or even take drugs, and be popular. But I never was like this, I was sensible and I was extremely responsible because ultimately I didn't want to have to fit into a crowd of people who thought it was cool to cheat, lie, pressurise or bully someone into doing something. Back then I knew what I felt comfortable with, and I dealt with every awkward situation that came my way in a mature manner. Honestly I am pretty proud of my self for acting the way I did and having stuck by morals that I still feel the same today, nearly 10 years on.

It was such an eye-opener for me to read the diary by my teenage self and understand how I felt back then with certain situations. Being a teenager was one of the biggest hurdles I have had so far in my life, people change and most importantly your changing. I feel no regrets about anything that happened or how I behaved, I'm pretty chuffed with myself and realise that I was just a child who was able to figure out what I felt comfortable with and would stand my ground. That young girl is still a part of me inside and even though I have grown up a bit more (definitely with the partying and having a guy crush every other day) I am still the same person who has the same personality and beliefs. Now I am just a more confident version.

I would urge you guys to have a look at your old diaries and read the memories you made, Have any of you changed that much? What do you think you have learnt from yourself back then? I honestly would love to know your own stories, so do let me know in the comments. If you have done something similar to this, as I know there have been a few advice I would give my teenage self posts going around, leave me your link to have a read.

Also think about keeping a diary if you don't already, I cannot wait till I am in my thirties to be able to look back at myself now and how I am as a twenty something woman.

Have a great Wednesday
Elle x
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10 comments

  1. I really wish I kept a diary, I did at one point but it got discovered. There was nothing bad in it but the thought of having my privacy invaded made me paranoid of keeping one! I think back to when I was younger though and I've realised a lot of things really have changed about myself. I didn't belong to a particular 'clique' and I too was mature for my age, I'd say I'm far more confident than I was and still hold the same beliefs, much like you! It was great reading your post it will definitely inspire others to really think back and look through what they wrote in their diary and see how far they've come.

    Christina @ http://www.lifeandluxe.com/

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    1. Thank you for your lovely comment :). I think that was my biggest fear of somebody reading my diary, but because they did not necessarily look the traditional diary style I luckily got away with it. I don't think for myself either there would have been anything bad to read, it is like you say an invasion of privacy and we all should have our own little space. I think it is a wonderful thing being confident as you get older, you start to realise what does matter and worry less about the little things. Elle x

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  2. I tried to keep a diary so much when I was younger. I'd always get a few days in and just forget. I guess my old blog is the closest I'd get (and no-one is ever getting the link to that ever!) I totally remember going to all the local gigs when I was 15 though - they were the highlight of my week! I remember thinking all the guys in Battle of the Bands were so cool and wished I was one of them. I'm still not in a band haha!

    Rachael at broomfie.blogspot.com

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    1. Haha definitely I was kind of envious at how talented a lot of them were in bands. Yea I was forgetful too in that sense but because I didn't have the day by day style and it was just when I felt like putting something in I didn't feel so bad about missing days out. That's cool though that you have an old blog and can see how you might have changed, its personal to you and your own little space no one has to look at, Elle x

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  3. I had three diaries but i threw them away when i got married. i dont know why, i guess i just wanted to throw them away as a way to "get rid" of the memories (I wrote a lot about boys) i just didnt want my husband to go looking thru it... i dont even know if he would, part of me thinks he wouldn't but part of me thinks he might get a little too curious and take a peek. i really wish i hadn't thrown them away though, would've been funny to read them now!

    Jessica
    the.pyreflies.org

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    1. Aww that is a shame but ultimately it doesn't matter that you had gotten rid of them. After all it is the past and you have your present life with your husband and not every one wants to look back at there past. You have always got memories in your mind, thats what is more important :) Elle x

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  4. I agree that it can be really cringe-worthy to read old diaries. It makes me shake my head and wonder what the heck I was thinking haha. But I actually think it's really nice because it shows you how much you have grown up and matured, how much you have learned and makes you realise that you are actually a much wiser person now. It kind of makes your progress apparent, you wouldn't really realise how much you have changed if you weren't reminded of how you used to be :)

    Sinead - Dreaming Again

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    1. Definitely agree with you completely. As much of a cringe worthy thing it might be ultimately it shows your progression like you said and how much you have achieved. Elle x

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  5. This is such a great idea! It's crazy to think what we are like when we're growing up and I wish I had something to read to look back on.

    :) Em x

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    1. I know so much goes on that you would just forget, but making a note of it or even taking a picture can bring it all back :) Elle x

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Thank you so much for reading! I read every comment and will reply back to you as soon as I can xx

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